Afflictions

Waking up in my bed, I open my eyes and gradually shake off my sleepiness. Finally, I take a look at the woman before me. She is wearing our usual outfit in The Community, a chestnut shirt with beige pants. I let light merge into my vision as the blurry face becomes clearer. Her brows are feathered and give a gentle touch to her gaze. Witnessing my waking up, she removes her hand from my right cheek and repeats herself. She is not losing patience and keeps her composure, even though she has tried to wake me at least for a few minutes.

“Can you hear me, Xia? I was sent into your room for the Balm trial. You must come with me to the healing place. There is a large room you don’t know about yet. This is where your trial will take place.”

I am certain that she has already repeated those words several times before I was able to hear them. I am glad for her tolerance. Still, life is calling for me. I must follow. Rising from my bed, I jump twice, definitely preparing me for the event to come.

The woman conducting me to the trial is also a member I know nothing about. For sure, I will not forgive her kindness toward me. Most of all, not once did she complain about my tiredness. This person must truly be a gem. It makes no doubt that she is used to treating people she has never met. Her reactions, touch, and words are all details displaying the qualities of a healer. Watching her attitude helps me to remind myself. I have to be like her for the next hour. You are a healer, Xia, you — are — a — healer. You can be nice and gentle with unknown people. Yes, you can. Trust yourself.

My mind is solely focused on the encouragement I am trying to push within me. I walk right behind the kind woman and seem to arrive in the trial room quickly. She taps softly on the final door before us. The frequency she uses is precise. That must be some kind of code: one knock, a short pause, three knocks, a long pause, four knocks, a short pause, and two quick knocks in the end. The instant she finishes, another woman opens the door and lets me through. Behind me, the lady who dragged me there taps delicately on my left shoulder to give me courage, and she leaves. I am invited to sit down on a wooden chair as the middle-aged woman stops five feet from me, standing up while her back pushes against the wall.

Her face looks familiar. Tired, discreet eyes, a large speckled nose, round cheeks, hair shaped like a bowl. Oh, I remember her. This is Kudzai. I met her occasionally at the healing place. She once guided Tariro and me. Back then, we had to gently press a concocted balm on the red blotches of an injured member. Those blotches emerged due to a combination of sun, heat, and an uncovered back. Sometimes, when the weather is too warm, some members tend to work bare-chested. It is not a good idea, and more experienced members strongly advise against it. Some part of me feels reassured to be judged by a face I already know. This is not much, but I appreciate it.

Observing the rest of the room, various elements catch my attention. First, I have never been here. The lady who brought me here did not lie. This room is larger than most healing rooms in The Community, and all sorts of ingredients are gathered on the left side on wooden shelves. I am proud as I can recognize some of them. I see zumbani for colds, fevers, coughs, and stomach ailments, wild basil to use as an antiseptic or for coughs and headaches, the classical aloe for burns, wounds, and skin irritations, and moringa to treat inflammation, infections, and malnutrition. Of course, there are many others I do not recognize at the instant, but perhaps with a bit of time, I could deduce others.

On the other side of the room, tables fill the wall. They are full of healing tools such as a wooden mortar to crush herbs, jars and bowls for fresh concoctions, water gourds and clay pots to contain water, and tissues for cleaning. Lastly, someone is lying in the middle of the room on a comfortable mattress like the ones we have to sleep on. This person does not move but breathes lightly, their stomach rising repeatedly under the tissue that covers them. So this is the person I will have to treat. I wonder which supplementary instructions Kedzai will give me. I must not lose a second. Froze in my chair, I raised my voice while looking at my judge.

“I am ready. Tell me, what do you want from me?”

Showing a content smile, Kudzai replied, her voice calm and assertive, “The person before you needs to be treated. Her name is Marka, and she is a nearby woodcarver who lives close to The Community. She is old and is currently very sick. It has been six months since she caught a strong disease and has been unable to do anything about it…” Kudzai pauses in her explanation, and I feel dazed from her previous statement. What does she mean? Are they asking me to treat someone this old with a disease she has carried with her for so many weeks?

Taking some fresh air, Kudzai proceeds, “She was going to give up on her life, but one of the Balm proposed to help her for free. Marka has agreed to let us try healing her. I am the one who is in charge of her. After I examined her, I discovered that she was not going to live much longer. There are some ways to ease her pain and extend her lifespan. This is your mission for today: understand Marka’s disease and give her something appropriate to accomplish both objectives: ease her pain and expand her lifespan as much as you can. Also, don’t count on me for anything. I am just here to observe you. Good luck, Xia, sincerely.”

I immediately feel the burden behind her words. This cannot be real. They would not ask me something impossible for an apprentice… Some seconds pass before my eyes as I stand in my chair, unable to move.

Watching me closely, Kudzai asks me with a worried look, “Xia, did you understand my explanations? I know we are asking you a lot, but you have to give it a try. You should not lose time. Each second matters.”

I nod to reassure her and rise from my chair. My brain unlocked the automatic mode. Right now, that is my only way to move to Marka and attempt to heal her. Crouching next to her, I watch her intensely. Her breathing rhythm is very steady, and her eyes are closed. She must be sleeping. I brush her forearm and confirm my first statement. Okay, so she is sleeping. At least it will be easier for me. I will not have to answer to the look in her eyes or explain to her why I will fail to heal her.

Still, I must find a way. This is the Balm trial. It was never meant to be easy. Now I understand why Tariro reacted with serious anxiety after her trial, even though she is a more skilled healer than I will ever be. Who could proceed with confidence and certainty in such a situation? Think about something that makes your mind ease, Xia, think about… about… yes, Yulin! I will invoke their name and ask for their guidance. Every time I pray for them, they can easily influence my feelings. But I must be quick and remain discreet. Kudzai is watching me. I will have to call Yulin with my thoughts while being silent.

Clapping my hands and closing my eyes, I reach for the spirit of the moon. Inside me, I repeat three times, “Yulin, for you are the white spirit I will always put my faith in, please guide a limited soul like me. Push your steady feelings within me and bring me peace so I can serve you better.” Starting the third repetition, I feel my inner state turning and welcoming peace inside. Wouah, this is extraordinary. No matter how many times I connect myself to Yulin, I will never get used to their infinite possibilities. Yet, I feel that my connection with them is not as smooth and responsive as usual. We are in the early morning, that must be the reason. Even so, the energy reaches me nonetheless. This infusion of calmness will help me, I am certain. Okay, Xia, now it is time to stick to your word and heal Marka. Remember what you read with Tariro and all the healing sessions you shared.

First, observation. Marka’s breathing is calm but shallow, and her body is thin, too thin, even for her age. I have to better understand what is happening inside her and forbid myself to think about the consequences. You must focus, Xia. Simply touch her chest to feel what is happening inside her. My hands are carefully placed near Marka’s chest to feel the rhythm of her breathing. There is heat in her upper chest, but coldness in the limbs. This is not a good sign. As I listen more closely, I can hear faint rattles and wheezing when Marka exhales. That makes sense regarding her age and profession. She has damaged her lungs over the years. So, her disease is internal and seems to be related to her lungs. Witnessing Marka’s weariness, a balm penetrating her skin above her lungs will have to suffice. I cannot think about anything else to ease her pain and perhaps give her a few more days… How can I be sure that I am making the right assumptions? I cannot… Oh dear Yulin, I hope from the bottom of my heart that my stupid balm will soothe Marka.

Second, I stand up and closely watch the herbs on the shelves. I almost do not recognize anything other than the herbs I could name previously. Oh, there is also honey. This will help me with the balm. So, this is it. I will mix three ingredients: moringa leaves to reduce inflammation in her lungs, aloe to cool her body, and honey to soothe her throat and ease the coughing that Marka must often experience. Bringing the ingredients from the other side of the room, I crush them with the wooden mortar and pestle. This tool is surely very efficient for making balms. I wonder what healers would do without it. In five minutes, the balm is completed. Touching it with my hands, I verify the texture and am satisfied. Its grains are thin with a greenish-brown color. The fat sticks to my finger. It will not leave the body easily and will affect Marka for a long time. Good.

Third, the application. I crouch back next to Marka and lift her shirt while putting her blanket aside so I can apply my concoction. The difficult part is not waking her up. Sleep is important for her, especially at her age and with her condition. My movements are soft and as gentle as they can be. Then, brushing the balm on my fingers, I massage her chest in delicate circular motions. It must penetrate deeply into her to be efficient. With my massage and the uncomfortable sensation on her bare chest, Marka opens her eyes. At first, she does not say anything but simply looks at me. Not knowing her, it is quite difficult to understand what her gaze means. It could signify loss, recognition, or even hopelessness. Finally, she moves her lips and talks with the airy voice, typical of a kind lady of her age,

“Oh, you are the woman Kindsan told me about…” She pauses or perhaps simply needs time and effort to speak. I am moved by the way she mispronounced Kudzai’s name. This is sweet. Suddenly, she finds more strength and resumes, “I am grateful that someone is trying to ease my last moments, I feel lucky… Still, please, young lady, do not overdo yourself, I would not want you to be hurt for my sake.”

Puzzled, I keep my gaze on her lips and spontaneously react, “What do you mean? Why would I get hurt?”

With the same rounded voice, she replies, “You know how it is, healers choose the most difficult path. Each mistake results in grave consequences for people like you in our Kingdom, so please, lady, please do not overdo yourself.”

Keeping my incomprehension to myself, I decide to agree with her. She already has enough on her plate. I push my fears deeper within me, put my questions away, and get back to my massage. Soon, I finish and put Marka’s shirt and blanket back on her. I advise her to remain in her bed for now and let the balm penetrate her body. She nods and closes her eyes again, a serene smile on her face. I failed to let her sleep… I can only hope that she will easily find it back.

My stomach hurts me and conveys what my mind refuses to consider. This is an alert. I should leave as soon as I can, as I will not be able to keep the brave face for much longer. Consequently, I inform Kudzai that I did what I could, and she accepts my departure. The second I close the door behind me, I trot in my bedroom’s direction, ignoring any person around me. My chest is heavy and filled with fear and panic. In the corner of my left eye, I think I see Tariro in the hall, preparing herself for Zuva’s meditation. But I do not stop to confirm anything as I need to be in my room immediately. The moment I touched the door of my bedroom and sat down on my mattress, I froze. It was too much, all of it. Perhaps I succeeded, perhaps I worsened Marka’s health. I do not know. What I know is that it was terrifying. So terrifying that I cannot see myself healing someone again. Not today, not tomorrow, not ever.

The air around me is massive and burdensome. I have a hard time breathing, and it is getting worse and worse by the second. My eyes try to focus on anything interesting in the bedroom. The blanket of white goat hides is thick and fluffy. Its coat creates round balls all over, almost falling but still connected to the rest by a pure miracle of life, at least that is how it looks when you observe it. Right now, I am no different than those fur balls… Someone who is unable to keep one and one together, the first difficulty that presents to me makes me shiver like a young chicken… Damn, even the blanket makes me doubt and blame myself… Xia, calm yourself, please… It does not work. Nothing is working at the moment. My breath tightens and accelerates as I hold my arms forcefully. Please, someone, something, make it stop. I try to focus on my breathing rhythm, but it only shows me how unsteady and worried I actually feel. This does not help either. I then fix my gaze at the window to watch the outdoor environment and think about something else. Birds pass by in a small group. They are small ones with yellow feathers and black ones around the head. I think those are weaver birds. I would love to join them and fly far away, forever. Instead, I am here, stuck in this room, alone… Shit, once again I cannot find any solution to calm myself, even this is too much to handle for me.

As my anxiety reaches a culmination, I hear a soft tap on my door, but I do not have the strength to answer or open it. A few seconds later, Tariro comes in, a large bowl of food in her arms. She smiles at me as she says, “Here you are, from the moment I saw you walk next to me this morning, I knew something was off.”

While she speaks to me, she turns her gaze and clearly looks at my face and body position. Suddenly, Tariro puts the bowl of food on the ground and runs to me, her eyes wide with concern, “Oh… Xia, hey, look at me.” She does not need to add any words, as her warm presence finally gives me the push and confidence to burst into tears. Those were tears I did not allow myself to have, tears only a nonjudgmental person like Tariro could help me share without feeling out of place. She hugs me and waits patiently. She is simply there, and that is already enough.

Once I am calm enough, I decide to speak on my own and recount to Tariro what happened. She understands every sensation, fear, and worry I share with her. We are very similar, she and I, the only difference being that I much more often pretend otherwise. Having completed my Balm trial allows Tariro and me to now speak freely about it. She tells me her own experience. Her patient had been a middle-aged man who had worked all his life in the field. His body was broken by the intense work life had asked of him. Having done her best to help him, she knew he would not live much longer. Apparently, this aspect was a prerequisite of the Balm trial, healing only people who would not live much longer. Tariro and I both suspected that they wanted to put us in a stressful situation to see how we would react in a similar situation in the future. My mind could understand the idea, but my feelings could not. It had been too much…

To help me change the subject, Tariro brings before me the bowl she has taken with her. It is full of various fruits and nuts to eat quickly when you do not have the time or the energy to cook. This is exactly what I need. I take the first monkey orange I can see and bite a mouthful of it. It is sweet with a hint of bitterness, exactly how I love them. Then, I enjoy some baobab pulp and groundnuts. Watching Tariro, I praise my good friend, “Mmm, I feel lighter now, thanks. I don’t know how I would have left my anxiety without you.”

She smiles, “I’m glad I could come. It’s nice if I can find a way from time to time to give you back a portion of all the things you do for me.”

“Tariro! You liar! You know that you are the one who helps me more than I do.”

“No, no girl, I don’t think so. Xia, you’re the really generous one between us.”

We tease one another for some time before Tariro’s face seems to light up with some new idea. With time, I learned to know her. I can divine a huge portion of what she is thinking just by looking at her face. That is so comforting to share a friendship like this one. And so, she shares her idea with me, “Why don’t we go to the healing place together this afternoon and speak with Anaya? Even if you are brave, Xia, and do not want to worry me anymore, I can feel you are still affected by the Balm trial. I can’t blame you. I’m not much better. Actually, I continue to think about my trial several times a day since it happened.”

I look at her with incomprehension and wonder, “Why would I want to go back here if it’s not necessary? I want to forget about this place right now. Besides, you know how Anaya is. Do you really think she will comfort us? I don’t think she’s that kind of person…”

Listening to me, she ponders something in her mind before answering me, “What you say makes lots of sense, Xia. Still, she is the oldest healer we know of in The Community. She must have experienced many baffling scenes. If someone can understand what we feel and give us answers or concrete solutions regarding those feelings, that’s her.”

I am not sure about Tariro’s reasoning, but like her, a part of me, surely the craziest one, thinks that she could be right. Looking at the almost empty bowl of food she bought me, I am reminded of how trustworthy she is. Fine, I will go with her, let us discover what Anaya can say.

Leaving my room and putting back the bowl Tariro bought me, we quickly arrive at the healing place. I let Tariro guide us and find Anaya. My head has felt dizzy since this morning, so I prefer not to push my limits too far. Consequently, Tariro is the one taking charge and explaining why we are looking for Anaya. A lady member encourages us to wait for her as she will soon finish her current consultation. Once she is free, Anaya calls for us to follow her as we reach an empty room made for healing, like the ones we are used to. She sits on the ground and invites us to do the same. I watch her closely and am reminded of how confident she seems to be. Her amber-dark eyes plunge into me and give me impressions of strength, sureness, and conviction. She has white-grey curls surrounding her face, her cheeks are bone-shaped, emphasizing her thin, straight lips. Grabbing her chin, Anaya queries, “I was told that both of you had something you wished to speak about. I’m before you now. So, what is it?”

Tariro explains what she and I went through with the Balm trial. She does not hesitate to give details and point out what hurt us the most. I let Tariro drive the conversation as I do not know if I dare to speak much. Moreover, she is thorough with the details and does not make me feel like I am mistreated or unconsidered by the way she recounts my own Balm trial. On the other side, Anaya fixes Tariro and does not let any emotion show on her demeanor. She is straight like a pillar, and nobody would be able to guess what she is thinking. She is a weird lady, I would lie if I said that I am not afraid of the answer she will soon give us.

When Tariro’s explanations conclude, Anaya raises one finger, as straight as the rest of her body. She fixates us as she opens her mouth, not very widely, using the minimum effort to convey her thoughts, “I can feel you are uneasy around me. And yet, you came to seek advice from me, how interesting…” She lets her first statement elongate and studies our reaction. We both keep steady, waiting for the rest of the answer. She complies with a hint of provocation, “I can’t tell you if you succeeded or not in the trial. You will discover this soon enough.”

Baffled, I suddenly feel ready to speak. When I must defend myself or a friend, I always gather the power to intervene. I was going to explain to Anaya that we would never ask such a thing, but she put her palm before me and resumed, “I know, that’s not why you came, but I preferred to state the obvious.” I shut my hesitant mouth, satisfied.

“So, let me share some words about your experiences during the trial. You felt paralyzed by fear and anxiety, but still found a way to help the person before you with the best of your knowledge. You must know that this simple fact already makes both of you promising healers.”

I am speechless. I never thought Anaya would praise us like this. This small compliment means a lot to me. Cherishing her words, I wait for her to continue,

“But, there is a little misunderstanding in what transpired from your experiences. Tariro, when you explained to me what you and Xia felt recently, you seemed to think that these kinds of feelings were not something ordinary and that you were wrong to feel anxious. I understand why you would follow this train of thought, but I must warn you. Experience teaches you to trust your training, but it doesn’t remove the fear of getting it wrong. Most days, anxiety never leaves. You just learn to work with it instead of letting it freeze you. That’s the first burden of being a healer. Helping people with healing costs you dearly. This is a choice about generosity and free giving.”

This time, Tariro is the one to be deeply moved by Anaya’s words. I cannot say that I do not feel something similar, but a detail from her speech caught my attention too much to linger with the rest. She said that this was the first burden of being a healer. So, there are others. What could she speak about? Suddenly, I recall what Marka, the old woodcarver I tried to heal this morning, told me. She seemed to be very worried about me if I made a mistake regarding the treatment I gave her. Could it be related to what Anaya just said? I cannot miss this opportunity. I need to know. Finding what is left of my courage, I share my thoughts with Anaya, “The old lady I was with during my trial told me something I did not understand. She was sincerely worried for me if I failed to heal her and said that the Kingdom was harsh with the errors made by healers. Is this related to another burden than what you just told us?”

She turns her head in my direction and nods softly, “Exactly. Though this rule does not apply within the walls of The Community, it is clear that our society can be as generous with healers as it can be extremely harsh.”

“What do you mean?”

“In the Kingdom of Zimori, people treat healers in their own way. Good and famous healers are revered by everyone and profoundly respected. Yet, they must be careful with the patients they accept. If they fail to heal someone they engaged themselves to treat, people will not forgive them. Even worse, the more important the person is, the worse the reaction will be. It can go from a lesser reputation to the most tragic limit, killing the healer itself in revenge for its mistake. That’s the way we, women with the will to save people, are treated in our lands… That’s tragic, but this is the norm. If you wish to be a healer, you must face this reality. The rule is simple: accept it or turn away from healing.”

Anaya concludes her words with a deep voice. Even at her age, we can hear the emotion escaping from her. She has not fully accepted how her Kingdom treats her and other healers… And I cannot blame her, nor can I hide the shock displayed on my face. This Kingdom makes no sense. Who would kill their own healers when they fail to heal someone important? And why do people consider that they are the ones responsible? Even though it can be possible and healers are far from being omniscient, they do not deserve to be treated this way. Who would punish a person who tries to save a life but fails to do so? That is a double penalty, how cruel, how unfair. And even with all of that, Anaya is still a healer and an old one. I look at her with more admiration than I ever did. She is what I will never be and never wish to be, a real healer.