Anticipations

Alone in my bedroom, my mind bounces and wanders between the walls. One sentiment fills my insides: guilt. I was so glad when Tariro accepted my invitation and tried the spear. For a first-timer, she was sharp and attentive. Yet, it was not enough for her. If only she had been able to see her skills with my proud eyes… I could see pleasure within her as she got more comfortable with the spear. I was certain that fighting sessions would be good for her. Quiet people like her often possess many strengths but struggle to feel at ease around others. Sadly, one mistake had been enough to make her doubt all her previous efforts… Why does she have to be so hard on herself? I feel frustrated and hurt about the situation. Still, as her friend, I will do my best to support her. Besides, I probably should not bring up this incident with her. However, if one day she wishes to talk about it, I will be there. That is the least I can do after being so selfish and neglectful with her.

My stomach contracts with culpability. Waiting alone in my bed does not seem to help me relax. There is no way I can fall asleep in that state. I should rather make good use of my time. Perhaps I will even succeed in thinking about something else. Standing up, I align myself with the cramped hole at the top of the outside wall. I cannot reach or pass through this opening, but I am glad to have it nonetheless, as it keeps the bedroom ventilated. Through it, I can also catch a glimpse of the outside world. My view is rather clear, as the houses in this portion of the city do not rise very high. Every night, I gaze at the moon and observe it endlessly. Tonight, even if I’m anxious for Tariro and guilty for my foolish behavior, I still feel the spirit of the moon calling for my mind to reach her. I cannot see it, but I’m almost certain that slight flows of energy are coming out from the white star to join me.

Admiring its shape in detail, I slowly let my spirit wander in its direction. It is fascinating how each night reveals a new face of the moon. Right now, we are at the end of the waxing gibbous. In two or three days, we should have an exquisite full moon. Over time, I notice something remarkable: the more light scatters across the surface of the moon, the stronger my connection with Yulin, the spirit of the moon. Then, feeling ready to start the meditation, I begin to breathe steadily as my back naturally straightens. My feet press firmly against the cold, textured stone slabs. My hands stretch to the farthest point they can reach, engulfing the spiritual atmosphere around me. When I sense intense energy grasping for me, I join my hands with determination and invoke Yulin.

“Moon raises, mind praises.

They are the peak of our dreams, yet they protect.

They are the limits of our streams, yet they connect.

Yulin, beauty of white, shining of light.

Reach your devotee and show them the way,

for they truly wish to reach the bay.”

Exhaling profoundly, I catch my breath once again and proceed with my personal request, “For I am Xia, the faithful woman you brought within these walls. Please, spirit of the night, proceed with your guidance.”

I close my mouth and let my last words travel in the dark. I do not have to wait long before sensing stronger feelings cling to my body. Even though I complete my night meditations every day, I never know what it can bring upon me. Most of the time, I am filled with recognition. However, it had already been much different. Sometimes, I feel puzzlement, and I am sure that those emotions are not my own. Others, I sense awareness. Still, now I encounter nothing I have already experienced. This time, I am pulled somewhere else, not literally but metaphysically. It is almost as if Yulin wanted me to move around. I have to calm myself and get used to the strange sensation. Needing time to adapt, I focus my will on my breath and count each exhale and inhale. I cannot say how long it took me to feel more comfortable, but I did. I can now tolerate what is developing inside me. Curiosity replaces incomprehension as I decide to experiment. Walking with determination, I touch the door of my bedroom and open it carefully. I do not want anyone to wonder why I leave my room in the middle of the night. As cautious as I try to be, I cannot avoid the creaking sound of the door. I truly hope that everyone is sleeping. Then, taking one step out, I sense a new turmoil inside me. Something else is happening. All of a sudden, the unusual sensation contracts in my body, concentrating into one tiny spot. It does not hurt, but I would not say it is enjoyable either. Yet, a few seconds later, it had completely disappeared, leaving an empty space inside me, accompanied by many questions.

Going back to my bedroom, I ponder myself and recount the events. I was pretty sure that Yulin attempted to guide me somewhere, but where? And why did it vanish when I left the room? It made no sense. If Yulin intended for me to understand her signs, I could not grasp any. Feeling nothing else but incomprehension, I jump into my bed and try to close my eyes. Soon, my day catches up with me, and I fall asleep.

The next morning, I wake up serenely, my eyes adapting to the shining light of the sun. Peacefulness does not last for long, as I recall what happened with Tariro yesterday evening. As I leave my bed, another detail catches my attention. The sun seems to be quite bright for a late morning hour, and I have yet to hear the sound of the gong from the morning meditation. Puzzled, I reach the door, open it, and take a look in the corridor. I’m still surprised. It is extremely rare for me to awaken so early. While I walk in the direction of the main hall, I start to panic. There is no one around me. I am alone. Worse, there can be only one explanation for this: I was not woken up by the gong, which means that they are all meditating without me…

I do not need to run for long before I can see everyone. Unfortunately, I arrive just as the meditation is ending. The other members join their hands, thanking the spirit of the sun, Zuva, for this new day.

Darn, how could I not hear the resonating gong? I must have meditated far too late into the night. Then, as I am about to turn around and go directly to the refectory, I hear something unusual. The gong is ringing again. Why? They never use it directly after the meditation. There must be an event I am not aware of, as everyone remains seated and waits quietly. Suddenly, out of nowhere, a hooded figure climbs the modest stage with the main mirror of the sun altar. Their hood stretches so far that nobody can see their face. Their robe is simple and covers their entire body. The tunic is a strong green color with shades of blue. You can tell it is as thick as a wall from the way the fabric is moving. No apparent pattern is visible. As I finish observing, I cannot help but wonder who this person is. I was certain that The Community does not have any leader, none that I am aware of, at least.

The figure stands firm before the two hundred members. They lower their upper body and bow before the crowd as their potent voice resonates, “I am the messenger of the sun, the Herald.”

A long silence follows. Except for the new members, nobody seems to be troubled by the situation. Apparently, there are still many things I do not know here. One thing I discovered is that I am sure a man is hiding behind this hood. It did not sound like the voice of a woman. The unknown man brings his body back and resumes his presentation.

“I am glad to see the marvelous faces of our eighteen new members. You must wonder who I am, and that is perfectly normal. You see, even if it can be hard to believe, this order has existed for more than a thousand years. Even though we are spiritual people guided by the spirit of the sun, Zuva, we are still imperfect beings. This is the reason why the first members of The Community have decided to choose their most spiritual and connected member to guide them in times of need. We call this person the Herald, the one who is closest to Zuva. In our current generation, that must be me. Otherwise, I would not be there before all of you,” the man laughs softly at his own joke, lightening the atmosphere. Without wasting a second, he continues his speech.

“When one is chosen by the previous Herald to take their place, they must renounce their own identity. Zuva’s messenger cannot be a half-hearted person. They must give up everything they still possess to fulfill their role entirely.”

I remain puzzled by his words and ponder if he intends to share something else with us. Why would he present himself today if not for sharing important instructions? Soon, he decides to answer my untold question.

“New members, there is something I came here to tell you. Listen attentively. Even if he does not clearly transpire, The Community is divided between three main groups. First, we have the Balms, the healers who dedicate themselves to caring for the sick and injured. Second, there are the Hands, the workers responsible for all tasks that keep our home running smoothly—except healing and fighting. And finally, we have the Blades, the fighters, trained to defend The Community. Obviously, as you already experienced, members can go where they want during the working hours of the day, but those roles are meant for something very different: outside queries. You won’t be surprised if I tell you that feeding all of us costs money, lots of money. Our predecessors wanted us to keep our spiritual life as free and comfortable as we had always had, so they had to find a stable source of income. And they succeeded by striking a deal with the king of Zimori himself. So, when the Kingdom needs help with a challenging disease, they call and pay for the Balms; when they need help with an overwhelming harvest, they call and pay for the Hands; and when they need help to arrest difficult criminals, they call and pay for the Blades. Now you must prepare yourself to join one of those three groups. Why is that? Because in nine months, each new member will be tested with at least one of the three trials. The Hands is the one everyone must go through. As for the other two, it will depend on your own motivation, but I will let you discover what that means.” Finishing his explanations, he lets the silence stretch. One minute later, he decides to leave while shouting, “May Zuva guide all of us.” He gets down from the stage and disappears into the same nowhere from which he came.

In reaction, a single thought circles in my mind: I want to find Tariro or Gudo and speak with them about the Herald and the trials. We received so much information that I definitely need someone else to sort it all.

As I anticipated, I met Tariro at the refectory in our usual spot. Her demeanor is thin. I look closely at her and fix her dry eyes. Guilt submerges me, and I hesitate to join her. But I am finally reassured because when she sees me, a soft smile appears on her face, encouraging me to come near her.

We cooked a thick sorghum porridge, accompanied by roasted groundnuts. It was simple but delicious, exactly what one could expect from a decent meal. We both recounted our morning as if nothing had happened. I could feel her hurt in the way she moved and hesitated a bit longer than usual before speaking. Yet, here she is, speaking to me with pleasant expressions. Perhaps she is trying to convince herself as much as convince me that nothing had happened. She even laughs a bit when I explain to her how late I was for the morning meditation.

As our conversation progresses, we ultimately speak about the hooded man, the Herald. In Tariro’s opinion, he is an impressive figure with strong charisma. I cannot really disagree with her. Still, I was surprised at first to discover that The Community has a leader, but I found his explanations convincing. What puzzles me the most is the organization of the trials. What should I do? I clearly want to join the Blades, but I know nothing about them. I do not even know if I will have the opportunity to attempt the trial. As I describe my doubts, Tariro listens to me but does not react. Her face loses attention with the people passing behind us from time to time. Then, she switches her state of mind and finds some motivation to ask me what I think of the Balms. I am not startled by her question; healing has always been the thing she was most comfortable with in The Community.

I reply truthfully that I do not dislike healing, but simply prefer weapons. In a frenzy of words, she ignores my answer and continues to explain how she has already planned the next months of her training to be as ready as possible for the Trial of the Balms. Her strategy begins with thorough research in the library. Although I have never been in the library since my arrival in The Community, Tariro had gone several times and was the one who made me learn of its existence. Actually, going to the library could be interesting, even for me. Of course, I do not intend to read books about healing plants like Tariro. I would die from boredom. And that is one of the reasons I find Tariro so prodigious: when it comes to pure knowledge, she creates her own bubble and studies with intense focus. This is also why she excels at healing with so little practice. She once told me that her family was modest merchants who learned all their skills from a single book. Reading was not evident in the Kingdom of Zimori. The simple act of buying a book at the central library of Gungara was tacitly reserved for the high strata of the population. Still, sometimes, a resigned field worker would risk his savings to purchase a book. This is what her father did to learn how to read. By chance, he came across a book about trading and negotiations, and so it transformed their lives.

After spending the afternoon tending the fields, we head to the library. I follow Tariro as I have no idea where it is. We have to cross several rarely used corridors that I discovered for the first time. Not many members of The Community must come here, which is quite logical, as not many can read. Tariro pushes open an old, stripped door made of planks of various sizes. I even notice a type of wood other than the usual acacia. It seems to be mopane wood. I have never seen any in the house. How old can this room be? Once inside, I am a bit disappointed. The room is far from being as large as I envisioned it to be. It has no more than ten to fifteen closets, and they are not full to the top. Three small tables fill the narrow space, barely leaving enough room to navigate easily. Determined, Tariro does not wait for me to choose a book and begins her studies. Being on my own, I take my time to open various books and read their first pages. My secret and personal goal is to find something related to the spirit of the moon, Yulin.

Sadly, my research is not very conclusive. Within all the books I could find, only three subjects are mainly discussed: the various ways to pay tribute to Zuva, the spirit of the sun, healing techniques with the medicinal herbs of Zimori, and the history of the Kingdom. However, one book manages to catch my attention for a time. It is an overused book; its leather is marked and tattered in many locations. Two thin lines drawing a sun run along the top and bottom edges of the book cover. I wonder if this book is not one of the oldest books in this library. It contains an essay reflecting on the relationship between the royal family of Zimori and the spirit of the sun, Zuva. The author describes how the king’s relatives, over many generations, faced various accidents and health problems. Many wives and children were lost, but it was never the king himself. In the author’s point of view, it all started when the royal family began to disrespect spirits and decided not to revere any of them in the future, including Zuva. Since then, this supposed malediction has befallen them. I am confused, as I have never heard of this rumor since I arrived in Zimori. Reaching the middle pages of the book, I finally lose interest in the subject. Fortunately, Tariro begins to yawn, so we do not wait long before leaving the library. I feel a pinch of sadness as I could not find anything about Yulin. But my spirit quickly changes when I see Tariro wearing a proud smile from her reading. Witnessing that is enough to make my reading session profitable. As we reach our corridor, we both wish each other goodnight and split into our bedrooms.

I did not return to the library for the following days and preferred my usual training sessions. Since the discovery of the trials, Tariro and I have spent less time together. She mostly worked her afternoons at the healing place, while I preferred to tend the fields and focus on fighting. Gudo was almost always in the fields as well, so we could see each other more often. We also kept our habit of finishing late and eating together. Most members of The Community clearly preferred eating early, so there were no more than twenty people in the whole refectory at our eating hour. It was great for Gudo and me, this way we could chat more freely and have some good laughs without disturbing the people around us.

Sharing meals with Gudo more frequently also meant noticing how bad he was at cooking. Today, he tried to cook sadza, a dense porridge made from ground maize. He ended up with something so stiff it could barely stand on its own. I did not miss this opportunity to tease him.

“Your cooking looks amazing. I noticed some holes in the walls of the women’s dormitory. With the new building material you’ve made, we’ll have them fixed in no time.”

His mind responding swiftly, he retorted with a falsely grave expression, “Are you sure? If the walls taste my cooking, they might just fall down faster.”

A chuckle escaped me. Gudo never failed to make me smile. We grew closer during those last few days, and I am glad he is here to cheer me up. One evening, we even talked about our spirituality. He was explaining to me how spirit meditation came into his life.

“It’s all thanks to my old gramps. This silly fool initiated me into revering spirits. He was the one who showed me how meditation could make me feel truly at peace. What a senile geezer! He was truly a gem.”

Gudo’s words came to a stop, ancient thoughts traversing his mind. I could easily tell how much love he felt for his grandpa. It made me think of my own family as I listened to him speak his wish in a quivering voice.

“I’m sure that his spirit has now joined Zuva’s endless flow of energy.”

We remained silent for a time, enjoying those recollections of past joys. As we approached the end of the meal, Gudo retrieved his cheerful voice and asked about my own spiritual history. I hesitated to answer. I did not wish for a member of The Community to know about my connection with the spirit of the moon Yulin. I still wonder if it would make me a traitor to revering another spirit instead of Zuva? I thought not, but there were so many things I had yet to know about this place. Yulin brought me here for a good reason, and I did not doubt this. Yet, until I precisely find out what my role is, I prefer to keep a low profile.

Composing my thoughts, I carefully chose my words, not to lie to Gudo but not to take useless risks either.

“I was encouraged to revere the various spirits in my environment since my childhood. Perhaps you will be surprised to learn that things are quite different in the Empire of Linghua, where I was born. Meditation and recognition of spirits are really common. Everyone reveres the natural spirit around their home. And all of us often show our gratitude toward the spirit of the sun, Zuva. By the way, there is a curious difference with their name. We do not call this spirit Zuva but Tudigan.”

Gudo was genuinely interested in the differences between our lands. We discussed it at length until the evening came to an end. After that, we both went our ways. I knew he was an early bird, so he went directly to his bedroom. Meanwhile, I did not wish to enter my bedroom so soon. I still had some time and energy to practice with the spear in the training room.

Since discovering the trials, I have always ended up training alone. It must be a remnant of guilt from my session with Tariro. I do not feel ready to spar with someone else yet. For a short period, solo training was not a major issue. One can still improve many of one’s skills while training alone. So I built a series of exercises to keep improving. I begin with footwork and walk the length of the room. I fix my balance to slide forward and back, turning on the ball of my foot and never letting my stance collapse. Once my steps are steady, I practice thrusts against the empty air. The spear must drive straight in the direction I wish before pulling back quickly. Later, I work on sweeps and slashes, repeating them until the shaft flows smoothly through my hands. Finally, I complete a series of fighting sequences. I chain attacks and defenses together as if an opponent stood before me. These exercises are enough to keep my body sharp and my movements fast.

While progressing through my solo exercises, my eyes glimpsed something troubling. At first, I ignored this feeling and focused on my training. But my mind is too curious, and I cannot avoid it any longer. So, I look straight at it. Soon, uneasiness ran through my body. My eyes are watching something my head does not understand. Tariro is a few feet away from me. She is training with a wooden sword under the instructions of another member. Wait, I know this one… This is Shungu, the arrogant man I recently defeated. The scenery before me makes no sense. Why was Tariro here?

Too baffled to compose my thoughts, I walked in their direction. My voice reacts on its own volition as I speak louder than I expected.

“Tariro, you… You came back to train yourself?”

They both stop. Shungu is the first to turn over and fixes me with defiance. I can tell he does not like me at all. That is perfectly fine. At least we found a way to share the same opinion about something. I ignore his look. He is not the one I want to hear. Tariro eventually pauses her own training and witnesses my presence. Her posture betrays discomfort. Does she feel this way because of me? I decide not to say anything and wait for her response. Exhaling softly, she complies.

“Shungu came to compliment my posture when I was with you and encouraged me to try.”

I notice her glance flicks toward me, as if gauging my reaction. I can see her chest rise and fall as she carries on,

“He told me he lost a match against you. Yet, he persevered and managed to progress. He’s certain that it won’t be any different for me.”

Her fingers fidget slightly with the edge of her sword as she utters new words that feel like a stab in my stomach,

“His encouragements touched me, so I decided to give it a second try.”

I do not know what to say in return. I find some inspiration nonetheless: “Oh, I see.” It does not sound very convincing.

None of us adds another word as unease separates us from honesty. I walk back to my own training and shorten the end of my session. My heart no longer knows what to feel. Was I not a good friend to Tariro? Another member she barely knows seems to be a better teacher than I was. She even stopped training with a spear. I am at a loss for thoughts and reactions. I can only retreat to my bedroom.

Once in my bed, I forget to meditate for Yulin and let my mind wander, moving from sadness to anger. I replay her words in my head, each one stabbing at me. How could she so easily turn to someone else as if all the time we had spent together meant nothing? My chest tightens with rage. It is not just disappointment anymore. I am furious at her, furious that she abandoned our training, furious that she seems to need anyone but me to guide her. Every memory of our shared efforts and laughs twists into frustration. Perhaps it is better if we go our separate ways for now.