Reunion

The sun streams through my room as I’m woken up by its light. I have a hard time falling asleep, both during my night meditation for Yulin and afterward. The reason is simple: I could not get Tariro out of my head. The small quarrel I witnessed between the Mahag Chase players kept turning over and over in my mind, again and again. It all started with one little comment from my friend Gudo. Sometimes, one sentence can make you question many things you did back in your life. From the moment his words entered my head, I could not stop wondering if I had been wrong all this time.

Perhaps Tariro just did what felt right for her and never intended to hurt me in the process. I never really tried to clearly explain myself to her. She does not know my feelings, as I only began to ignore her on the day after I was hurt. Obviously, she must have figured out it was related to Shungu, but there is a chance she still does not understand the rest. Knowing her, I am sure that she could force herself to stay away from me if she thinks this is what I want.

Tariro has not been my friend for a very long time yet, but I can feel my instinct agreeing with my current thoughts. After all, she is that kind of person, a compassionate soul. I am certain she would do her best not to hurt anyone. And if someone decided to ignore her, she would respect it, no matter how hurtful it could be for her. She would accept it because she loves the people around her so much that she would rather let them go than risk hurting them more…

While I am once again following the same train of thought as last night, I sense my eyes growing blurry. My pride is so thick that I never looked at the situation this way. This is the first time I am honestly asking myself what this quarrel must look like from Tariro’s eyes. And I am ashamed, for I have waited much too long for this.

I do not need more to push my mind into action. I leave my room in a hurry, not fully closing the heavy door behind me. Hurrying my pace, I cross the corridors quickly to reach the hall immediately. Crap, the communion will begin soon. As always, I am either late or just on time before we start our meditation for Zuva. Still driven by urgency, I scan the people already seated, searching for Tariro. Since everyone looks the same, I know it will not be easy.

We all share the same outfit: a brown cotton shirt with a large cut. It is comfortable for everyday work. Our pants are also made with cotton and come right to the navel, attached by a modest piece of string. Their colors are lighter than the shirt, closer to a dark beige. We rarely wear shoes and content ourselves with being barefoot. The only exceptions are in the training room for our fights or when we want to play Mahag Chase. In those cases, we have leather sandals at our disposal.

Almost giving up, I finally catch a glimpse of Tariro’s slender shoulders as we are about to begin the meditation. Finding my way through the crowd, I sit next to her. At first, she does not seem to notice my presence. She has always been genuinely focused during Zuva’s meditations. Still, when we grab hands for the communion, she recognizes the touch of my fingers and looks at me with surprise.

I smile at her, whispering, “I would like to speak with you during our midday lunch. Just you and me. Is that okay for you?”

She does not answer right away as we proceed with the meditation. My heart thuds in the silence, preparing myself for rejection. I try to calm myself by thinking back to the timing. Of course, I did not give her any chance to reply—we all had to close our eyes and focus on the spirit of the sun. And so, I hold myself back, forced to wait until the end of our connection with Zuva to hear Tariro’s answer.

The meditation clearly seems longer than it usually does, but I grin and bear it. Finally, when we all stand up to leave the hall and join the refectory, Tariro turns her back to face me and answers with an uncertain smile.

“Are you coming? We are supposed to eat together, right?”

Relief washes through me at her words, and I answer her kindness with a smile of my own.

Once our meal is settled and we are both silent, Tariro’s eyes fix on mine. I know she is waiting for my explanations. Inhaling carefully, I prepare myself. To put it simply, I want to speak the truth to my friend and ask for forgiveness. I scrutinize her face, measuring her mood. She seems to be listening with care and trust. Those are the eyes of someone who decided to forgive me before I could even utter a word.

My heart filled with recognition, I started my speech in the only sensible way.

“Tariro, I am sorry for how I ignored you all this time. I was hurt to see you replace me with Shungu. You never told me about it, so I was saddened to find out in the moment. Still, I cannot deny that I overreacted. I’m sorry for keeping my feelings from you without giving you any chance to understand or share your own.”

Grabbing my hand, she replies softly, “You know, even for me, it was sudden. Shungu simply came to me with warm encouragement, and I let him guide me in the training room without much thought. When I saw you leave in a hurry, I could tell you were suffering. Since then, I have been worried for you. Every single day apart from you felt like a wound. But I could not reach out. It would have felt too selfish to impose myself on you. I think I was afraid—afraid of hurting you any more than I already had.”

She pauses shortly, letting herself breathe before her next words. I can see her trying to make me understand with ease and softness.

“I know what happened between Shungu and you, and he was quite the jerk at that time. However, my relationship with him is not related to you, nor does it make all the things you did for me less important. He just happened to find the words I needed to give myself another chance at fighting.” Tariro exhales, her shoulders loosening. Catching her breath, she proceeds.

“You are amazing, Xia, sometimes even too amazing for me. The truth is, I needed someone closer to my own limits to accept encouragement… I promise this has nothing to do with you; it is just me, lacking confidence in something I never imagined doing in my life. Yet, life can be surprising, as today I find myself appreciating it. That does not mean I don’t want to share this with you anymore. Now that I feel a bit more confident, I would love for us to train together again, at least when I have the time.”

The lights of wisdom appear before me as Tariro finishes explaining herself. With her version, everything is much clearer. I cannot blame her for needing impelling words from someone else. I am well aware of how arrogant I can be. It is never my intention, but this is what often transpires from me. Neither of us wants this avoidance thing to continue any longer. So, we both agree to restart anew and share our feelings more truthfully in the future. I even wonder if it would be a good idea to speak about Yulin to Tariro, but for now, I will wait. I still need time to process my role here. If one day I share this hidden part of my life with her, I am certain she will understand why I needed time to do so. However, a detail from her previous words catches my attention. Hesitating a bit, I finally decide to ask her.

“Tariro, what do you mean by not having much time? Is there a reason why you are only coming once every week to the training room, even though you seem to like it?”

She waits before answering, as if bracing herself.

“I am not sure how to explain this. You see, I cannot get the trials out of my head. I know the one I am most suited for is the Balms trial. That is why, since the announcement, I spend as many work afternoons as I can in the healing place. Thanks to my persistence and frequency, one of the healers I suspect to be a Balm told me that it would be interesting for me to read as many healing books as I can in the library. It seems to be an important requirement for the trial.”

Oh, that would make sense. I lean forward a little, sharing my experience, “A fighter told me something similar, but it concerned the game they play in the gardens. Perhaps you are right; the way he said it seemed clearly implied it would help me for the Blades trials.”

She nods, excited, “You see, those must be hints for the trials. We would be foolish to ignore them.”

I tilt my head. “What if we supported each other? We could split our time, what do you think?”

“Splitting your time? What do you mean?”

Forcing myself to be clear, I explain my reasoning. “Your basics with healing are clearly above the average members. And on top of that, you go to the healing place every day and read medicinal books every evening. You should give yourself some rest and do something else, like fighting sessions in the training room with me. Right now, you only go once a week. Why not come every other day? And at the same time, I would join you at the library on the other days.”

Her eyes lowered. “But how can you be certain this is the right thing to do? I am completely lost. I want to follow my feelings and fight much more. I truly want to—believe me—even when I am so bad at fighting, I continue because I enjoy this way of moving my body. Never in my life have I experienced such a thing before. It is refreshing… Yet, I feel silly for spending time on something I will never master. My mind constantly pushes me toward the library, where comfort triumphs over pleasure. I have failed so many times in my life that now I simply want to succeed at something. I want to find a place of my own in the first house that has welcomed me so warmly in many years.”

I let her words settle before speaking. At the moment, she needs someone to sincerely listen to her. Once I feel she is ready to hear me, I carry on, “I know what you mean… but Tariro, it’s okay to be lost sometimes. You cannot always know everything and predict everything. It happens. So please, do not only be kind to others but also be kind to yourself. You just found something you honestly like, perhaps even more than healing. Then do it, and you will see with time if it’s the place you belong to or not. You cannot know for certain something you have not really tried.”

“What if I fail?”

“It would be okay. You can fail. The Community is a welcoming place; no one will let you down. And, if you wish, as I told you, I can come with you to the library three times a week. This way, I can improve with healing knowledge and prepare myself for the Balms trial. And you, listen to yourself and come to the training room thrice a week. I am sure it would be great.”

Her lips part in a shy smile. “You are sure it is the right thing to do?”

I shrug lightly. “I am not. There is only one thing I know: that is what I want to do with my friend.”

She exhales slowly, “Oh, thanks, Xia… Okay… I will listen to you and discover what life has in store for me.”

Month after month, Tariro and I train hard both in fighting and healing. I showed her useful body motions or efficient parries with the spear. In exchange, she helps me understand the plants and descriptions that are too complex for me. Later, after Tariro and I reconciled, we quickly reunited our trio, which soon became a quartet. Shungu joined us at Tariro’s request. I am not fond of him, but I accept standing in his presence if it makes my friend more comfortable. This way, she does not need to choose with whom to spend her time. And, I am certain Shungu is in the same position. A part of us is allergic to the other. Yet, I must admit that he can be kind from time to time. His posture is soft and patient when he trains with Tariro. Besides, this is not the only advantage of Shungu’s presence. Sometimes, Gudo makes discreet jokes about him when neither Tariro nor he can hear us. There is nothing mean about them. We are just childish friends sharing private jokes.

Once everyone is accustomed to this newly formed group, Gudo invites all of us to play Mahag Chase once every week. I have to give Mundra some credit. Mahag Chase is definitely an interesting game. It is not only fun but also helps players improve their reflexes and strategies in stressful situations. However, being a group of four new members in The Community does not make it easy to challenge the more experienced members. Even if each of us does their best, in the thirty or so games we have played together, we have only won twice when luck was on our side. It happened when we achieved a sequence of fortunate moves. The hardest part of this game is when only two players remain on your team. Your defense becomes much weaker, and you have to demand much more stamina from your runners, who have no more than three rounds to get back on their feet. Fortunately, there is a special rule that Gudo forgot to mention the first time I played with him. When a team is not able to catch a single runner from the opposing team in three rounds in a row, they automatically lose the game. If the other team is in the same situation at the same time, the game ends in a draw. And so, in addition to our two victories, we achieved three draws. Still, we progressed and gained new reflexes from every match. I even witnessed the progression in my fights within the training room.

My mind grows more aware of my environment. Some details are now so obvious to me that I wonder how I could not see them before. The clearest example is the scars on the experienced fighters’ bodies. They have tiny lines along their shoulders, on the backs of their hands, or along their fingers. Thanks to the skilled healers we have in The Community, their injuries are discreet and difficult to notice. I use my improved observation to select my opponents and challenge the most powerful fighters. I lose several more fights after my first one with Mundra, yet I refuse to give up. And when annoyance becomes stronger than pride, I ask for Mundra’s help. I finally decided to learn the use of a shield. He accepts right away, and some of my sessions in the training room transform into shield classes. In his generosity, Mundra even agrees to include Shungu and Tariro. In exchange, I teach him my spear skills and moves. I take him along with Tariro and adapt my exercises to their huge difference in skills. Undoubtedly, he is a fast learner. And, I deeply appreciate our exchange of skills. I can tell he sees me as his equal. Except for our respective classes, we never fought a second duel. We are now comrades, and as logical as it is for me to never wish to duel with Tariro, it becomes the same with Mundra. With time, I learn to use the shield as an extension of my right arm, while my left, spear in hand, pierces and sweeps aside my enemies’ defenses.

Gudo comes sporadically to the training room so he can see my progression with the shield. He is sincerely encouraging me. Without him, I would have abandoned after a few weeks when the addition of the shield made my previous moves slower and my stance sluggish. As always, he is a gem who prefers Mahag Chase and sleep to fights.

Eleven months have passed since Tariro, Gudo, Shungu, and I joined The Community. A breeding stress has engulfed us as the trials draw near. I know they will start soon, but I never expected this soon.

This evening, right after we finish our reading session, Tariro and I go back to our respective rooms and are about to bid each other goodnight. Then, the moment we reach her door, a member I do not know is waiting for her. Her body blocks access to the door. This woman is here for Tariro. In a low voice, the lady declares, “The Balm trial has been called over you. Within seconds, you must come with me so I can guide you to your testing room.”

Surprised, Tariro turns to look at me before giving a reply, “You mean, now, right now?”

Understanding the situation, I hug her softly before letting her leave for the trial. I am shocked by how sudden all this is. If I also qualify to attempt the Balms trial, will it happen in similar circumstances? I cannot help but feel anxious for Tariro. She has prepared for many weeks and hours for this. Even if some part of me keeps wondering if she might not prefer to join the Blades, I have to root for her. It is the least I can do to honor all her past efforts.

Moreover, I cannot deny how strong she has become in a fight. Her fighting skills are not about power but cleverness. Patient and sneaky, she is able to wait for the right moment to strike. Like a snake hiding in the perfect bush to attack slyly. I am proud of her. Sadly, that pride in her recent fights cannot hide the stress I feel for her. Unable to sleep, I commune with the spirit of the moon. Her spiritual energy allows me to relax. Meanwhile, I let my bedroom door slightly open so I can hear Tariro coming back. Between two and three hours later, I hear soft footsteps resonating in the corridor. I do not need to look for confirmation as I recognize her way of walking. There is no doubt, this is her.

I run in her direction and hug her instinctively. No matter what she did, failed or succeeded, I want her to feel supported and loved. We both walk to her room in silence and sit on the bed. No tears or wet eyes are visible on her face, nor contracted brows nor clenched teeth. The only preoccupying thing with her body is its motion. She is shaking. And, it does not calm right away, no matter how forcefully I hug her. Keeping faith, I decide to wait for the necessary time, and we stay like this for ten, perhaps twenty minutes. I cannot tell, but I wait. Gradually, her body calms down. Finally, Tariro can find the courage to speak to me.

“They asked me not to divulge anything…”

I react spontaneously, “So don’t, just tell me how you felt.”

Her answer is final: “Overwhelmed.”

I nod to her and compose myself not to display my anxiety before her. Tariro needs me, so I bring myself back and listen more attentively as she dives more precisely into herself,

“It is impossible for me to say if I succeeded or not… Everything was too intense for me to remain steady.”

Exhaling slowly, she continues, worry written on her face, “Some part of me thinks I went through as intended, but the other cannot help but doubt. How could I not carry doubts when they asked such a thing of me?”

Wiping her one tear, she does not let herself stop and opens up to me, “Even if I find my way out of this trial and become a healer, I do not want it anymore. It is too much to carry, too heavy a burden. I want to fight, to let my body slide and express itself freely.”

Her words touch me in a way I did not know possible. Right now, she is showing me a remarkably determined Tariro that I have never seen since I met her. And this Tariro is more beautiful than ever.

Progressing in her thoughts, she resumes, “A few hours ago, I would have still been hesitant. Now it is no more.”

Then she pauses for a moment. Soon, she raises her head and adds with resolve, “Xia, I will need you.”

Worried, I retort, “Tell me, what can I do for you? How can I help you?”

Without hesitation, she announces, “Train me more fiercely than you ever have. No matter if only one, two, or three evenings of fights remain before the Blades trial, push me to my limits so I will be at my best during the trials.”

I am confused as I display a mix of contentment and hesitation on my face. Rarely have I seen Tariro so sure of herself. I must and will support her. “All right, Tariro, be ready for our next sessions. Next time we fight, I will treat you as a real enemy, so you know what it means, and nobody will surprise you afterward.”